Living in the Balance

 

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I have been fighting a cold for several days.One thing that illness does  is force you to slow down in spite of pressing responsibilities.I feel as though I am a car that is not running on all it’s cylinders.Rest is essential and yet I feel restless.

I have been struggling with what would seem to be a toxic emotion, resentment.It bubbles underneath the surface, seething and stewing.It is different than anger in that it is internally processed.It is a sense of injustice that becomes stronger over time.

Resentment, to me, is when instead of wishing others well, you want to see them fail.You want them to ” pay ” for the harm they have caused you.You want to see them publicly shamed so you can say, ” See, they deserved it.”It is difficult, if not impossible to see people that have hurt you, cheated, stole, or lied, and and see them appear to be happy and prospering when you are struggling.

There is a degree of familiarity to it.It makes you want to ” bite the hand that feeds you “. Instead of appreciating or accepting what is, you ponder about what could have been or should have been.

Unlike anger, it can be hidden behind a smile, a kind word, or silence.We don’t always want to admit how we feel, even to ourselves.

When I sat down with my journal to write, I posed this question; what can I do?

The first thing that came to mind was to forgive.

Ah, yes.Like the saying goes, ” To err is human and to forgive is divine.” Forgiveness does not make any sense to the rational mind.In fact, my response was,” yeah, yeah, I know that already” but there is a world of difference between knowing something and the act of doing it.Once I actually sat down to do it, I felt a release.A burden was lifted and I received some insight.

For one thing, prayer and forgiveness gives you a place to vent.By being willing and making the effort to forgive, you have to acknowledge your feelings and  no one can dispute your grievance.There is no need to justify yourself or convince anyone.You are being proactive in the situation even if you never verbalize it outwardly.The choice to ” let it go ” is yours and yours alone.

There is energy locked up in resentment that can go towards fueling your future success.We don’t even realize how this drags us down and holds us back.As it says in the Lord’s Prayer, ” Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” If we don’t forgive, our prayers are hindered and we stay stuck.

When we bring our offenses into the light of forgiveness, it is easier to detach from them.

I have taken steps in my life to set boundaries, communicate my needs, and honestly assess what I can and can’t do.I make a sincere effort to obey the golden rule and put myself in other peoples shoes.Believe it or not, that is still not enough.I have been burned anyway ( and so have you ).

I minimize my contact with people and situations that are potentially hurtful or toxic.This may seem like a good idea, and it is, but it is also unrealistic and inadequate.We are surrounded by wounded people who wound people.They are our friends, family, co workers, neighbors, leaders and we, sometimes, are those wounded wounders.

They are everywhere

Day to day, we are forced to interact with one another. Some would seem to be wrapped in barbed wire.They cut us and cause us to bleed.Some would seem to be sweet but they are also sticky, drawing us in effortlessly, then leaving us drained and empty.

In spite of our best efforts, we can’t completely avoid this.

Resentment is culmative.It is the result of enduring behavior, treatment, or circumstances that we perceive as unreasonable or unfair,  time after time.

At first, I though forgiveness was it, the solution, but that wasn’t all there was to it.

Here is the surprise, for me.

We use resentment as a distraction and an excuse. Facing it forces us to make changes, big changes, as a result.These will ultimately benefit us but in the meantime, it requires us to face fear, discomfort, and the unknown.We HATE that, at least in the very beginning.

This applies in our personal life but also in how we relate to the world at large.We resent our government, the media, the system, but are we willing to do anything to help change it?

Facing resentment is like a spring cleaning, shaking the dust out and cobwebs out, letting the sun shine in.It is also a day to day maintenance thing.You think of a situation, grrrr…You hear a name and your jaw is clenched.Why?? Can you let go? Forgive ?? What do I do now ?

It may be the motivation we have all been waiting for, but not looking for.

 

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I took a snapshot recently of a gorgeous fall day.

God was showing off ,no holds barred, brilliant sunshine, soft breeze , and a touch of gold and red in the fall foliage.Simply breathtaking.There was a strange sense of peace within me; the culmination of a growth process I have been experiencing.If that sounds a little lofty, I assure you it’s not.

I have been writing and performing music, my own music, for 20 years now.These were years spent learning and growing, albeit in relative obscurity.Sometimes, let’s be honest, there is a touch of shame in this.The idea is to win the prize and get the glory, FOR REAL.At the very least,  you want people to acknowledge your work.I will admit, I have not always been the best marketer.Looking back, I can see my priorities were different than what others who were deemed successful on the music scene.I wanted to get better and create honest,and powerful work and that takes time and effort.It has been a slow process.At any rate, when I get up to perform now, it’s the culmination of years of effort that went largely unseen and unnoticed.What is amazing is that there are some nights where I can reach inside me and draw from that well of experience.This is reassuring.

Over the last few months, I am beginning to recognize a glimmer of hope, a sense of connection,a new found strength, along with the quiet assurance that I am on the right path.This is not something I can explain to anyone else, but I know it to be true.

That is not to say I do not wrestle with crippling doubt.I most certainly do.The difference is this; at any given moment I can take a step back, check in with myself, and get back on track.

Like most of us, I spend more time than I care to admit on social media.I see others posting about traveling to exotic locations, landing their dream job, completing grueling workouts, giving birth to their longed for child, or meeting the love of their life.They smile for the camera and display themselves in the best possible light (I have done the very same thing).The photos would say, “This is my life and it is all SO wonderful.I have it together, just look!”

Listen, I post on social media.I read and comment on social media.All and all, I like social media (no pun intended).I AM concerned though,  with how superficial it can sometimes be.We can alter photos and text and create the impression of a reality that doesn’t exist.Most of all, we can lose sight of the full experience of living that is greater than the sum of it’s parts.

Here is an idea; there is a large portion of our life that is lived within us.It is not visible to the public.

Are we too busy presenting ourselves to the world to take time to really know who we are, how we feel, and what we truly believe?

It’s all too easy to get wrapped up in “doing” as well as paying attention to what the rest of the world is “doing” to enjoy just ” being “?

Here’s another thought to consider.

There are some victories in our lives that don’t require applause, validation, or acknowledgement.In fact, these are the ones we can truly savor because they belong to us alone.

When I looked up the definition of substance it said,” the real physical matter of which a person or thing consists and which has a tangible, solid, presence.” This would imply that substance is always physical but I disagree.There is a substance within that is created through years of effort.Just like the roots of a tree, this substance runs deep.Roots keep you grounded when you are in the midst of turbulence.Roots also provide the stability for what is visible.

It has been almost 2 years  since I did a post called ” Inside Out ” which dealt with how our perception can determine how we experience life.Maybe what I am experiencing is just a shift in perception but, if so, that is only a part of it.

There is something inside me I feel like I can take hold of.It is like an invisible thread that runs throughout everything I do.Say what you will, it’s  real, but like the saying goes…..

I guess you had to be there.

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